ohh my soul

I've lost all motivation to do anything school related. I'm too tired to even care. I've been in school for about 15 years now and I just want to stop. I realize that I may need it, but I know it's all bullshit. Booshit booshit booshig. Even for my art classes. I haven't done much yet and I know I need to learn more but I'm so burned out. I have a severe problem with procrastination. I honestly don't know how I've lasted this long without turning assignments in. I'm sure the fact that work now takes up a good portion of my time doesn't help either. It'd be nice to just be able to absorb art all of the time, but I got shit to pay for. After I work, all I want to do is sleep. I can't concentrate on anything. I'm pooped and I'm too pooped to poop.
I don't want to complain about it. Things are going really well. I'm just never satisfied.

My belly is full of pumpkin seeds.

I still feel empty.


I found this today and I flipped. It used to be one of my favorite Tex Avery shorts. So good.

I miss being able to call whenever I feel like it. Just to say hello. Just to say something. Now I feel like I'm not allowed to say anything. I feel like if I said something I would just get static for a response.

There is so much to be done. I feel like I can't catch up. I'm tired and I'm out of breath.

I should probably be doing something productive right now but I can't log on to Prolog to update R.F.I.s and I have nothing better to do for the next 45 minutes until our wonderful (gag) receptionist returns from her lunch break. I'm really liking this new job. I hope I can keep it. I know that I am capable of doing any task they ask me to do, I just need time to learn. If I lose it for this one stupid reason I'll hate myself and be painfully heartbroken.

I should feel heartbroken for another reason but I'm not. I feel oddly comforted and relieved. Maybe my entire perception has shifted. Maybe I'm wrong. It doesn't matter really because nothing can be changed. There's no going back now.

I have so much I need to do. I have so much money I need to make. I can do it I just feel like there's not enough time. Where is my time? There is no time.

I want
to move out
to get away from community college
to get away from college in general
to paint
to plan
to be

But most of all, I really want a fucking cupcake.

I



feel




like

I'm




suffocating

Turn, turn, my wheel! All things must change
To something new, to something strange;
Nothing that is can pause or stay;
The moon will wax, the moon will wane,
The mist and cloud will turn to rain,
The rain to mist and cloud again,
To-morrow be to-day

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I'm waiting for my dad to call me so he can tell me how much money he made in the last year. God I love filling out financial aid documents. I also love having to pay for wireless internet and sit in a Barnes and Noble instead of sitting in the comfort of my bedroom...for free.
I'm leaving again tomorrow and I have mixed feelings about going. It'll be nice to breathe that air again. It'll be nice to take naps with the windows open. It'll be nice.
I just feel like I have no time and I shouldn't be wasting it 2,000 miles away from where I should be. Where has my summer gone? This next semester is going to kill me. But maybe I'm just thinking about it too much. Maybe it won't be so bad. I just have to keep telling myself that it'll be over soon and I'll be able to move on. I just have to hold on.
One thing I've enjoyed these past few months is reading. Here is my list of books I've devoured:
The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway (It was ok. I didn't not like it. It didn't blow me away or anything but it wasn't bad.)
When You Are Engulfed In Flames by David Sedaris (I could read a thousand of his stories.)
A Million Little Pieces by James Frey (A reread. I read it a few years ago and I decided it was time to dive into it again.)
Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince by J.K. Rowling (Another reread. The movie was coming out and I needed a refresher.)
A Farwell To Arms by Ernest Hemingway (Wonderful in every way.)
The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd (Really cute and sweet. I loved the writing style. It's a good summertime book.)
And I'm currently reading Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. I love it. It's heartbreaking and beautiful.

There are a gaggle of cookies staring at me and they look amazing. I must resist though. I eat way too many cookies. I love them so.

I love cereal way too much.

I wonder how the ice cream salesperson can stand to listen to 'Do your ears hang low?' for so long. I could take it for ten minutes tops. Anything beyond that and I would slam my head into the freezer until my ears bled. I was sitting in my room the other day and I heard the familiar tune somewhere in the distance. It's such a distinctive sound. What other sound do you know of that draws people to it for tasty frozen treats? As a child it would excite me like nothing else and I would gather up as much change as I could find or beg my dad for money so I could run to the truck before it left me treatless (like he would pass up the opportunity to take my money. I mean, c'mon, how much money do you make as and ice cream man? I'm going to look it up because I'm that curious). It's an interesting job to have. People sell ice cream all the time but someone had the genius idea of bringing the ice cream to the public who were dying for relief from the hot summer heat. If it were up to me I'd sell some better products though. They may have been delicious when I was younger, but that's before I knew better. I'd sell some quality ice cream. Like Marble Slab, but in your neighborhood on wheels. And I'd play better music. That's the one thing I never understood. Why that song? It's so fucking annoying I can't see why they would think it would be a good way to lure in small children. But it does. I don't know how, but it does. It's just how it's on that loop and it repeats itself over and over and over. Maybe they run to it just to make it stop. No, my ears do not hang low. They do not wobble to and fro. I can't tie them in a knot or in a bow. My ears are regular size and all I want is a screwball so can you please change the song to something that doesn't make me want to hit my neighborhood playmate with a bat.
Anyway, that's all I could think about when I heard that song. I hate it, but at the same time I can't help but smile because of how it used to make me feel when I was a kid. I would almost shit myself when I heard the ice cream man turning down my street. It was the most intense race against time. Find some money quick before it's gone and you're the only kid on your street without a cold popsicle melting in your hand. Ah, my youth. I really do miss it sometimes.

I finally got my bike fixed. I feel like an idiot because it really didn't require much at all to fix it. Anyway, I have it back and that's all that matters. I've missed it quite a bit. I went for a little ride today after I got home from work. I expected to get tired easily because it had been so long, but it was as if a day hadn't passed. It felt amazing. It was like seeing an old friend for the first time in a long time and you expect it to be awkward, but it turns out to be great and it's just like it had always been. I'm looking foward to my next ride.
I've devoured another book. I'm ready for my next one. I've decided on the 6th Harry Potter book because I can't remember anything about it and I want to be prepared for the movie when it comes out next month. So. Excited.
I'm really liking the Summer so far. I have a lot I want to do and hopefully I'll be able to do most of it.
The computer is sitting on my lap and it's hot and I don't feel like typing anymore.
That is all.

It's been a weird couple of days. My weekend was filled with boxes and giant furniture that barely fits into one room and finding things that I haven't thought about in over a year. I helped my mom move into her new condo. I'm glad she finally got her own place and I know she's really excited about it, but I'm still kind of blue about the whole thing. I miss her. I got used to having her around. I just have to keep reminding myself it's for the best. I think it's just the thought of being alone with my dad that bothers me a little. It's getting harder and harder to have an actual conversation with him. How can you talk to someone who makes you feel like you're a burden? I'm hoping things turn around. Everything is fragmented right now and I'm trying to sort out the pieces and re-assemble them.
It was strange going through all of the things I had left at my mom's. She put them in storage and I forgot about them. I say it's strange because these were the things I had once placed great importance on and now I look at most of it and wonder why. I've gotten rid of a lot of it. But there are some things I can't bring myself to give up. They're silly and childish but they are the things that have a lot of significance. Each stuffed bunny and every story book has a memory attached to it. It's that memory that refuses to put it in the 'sell' box. It would physically hurt me to see someone buy something that I've loved for over ten years. Sure, I may forget about them, but I'll never forget what they mean to me. To someone else, it's just this 'cute' or 'neat' thing that they would like to add to their collection of stuff.
Why is it that we get so attached to material objects? Most do nothing for us. There's no purpose, there's just this odd comfort you get from looking at them or touching them. Why do I keep so many things? I've been trying to simplify but it's hard when it comes down to a sweater that has my name stitched on it or a Little Mermaid doll.
These are just some of the things that I've been thinking about this weekend. I'm in a foggy state of mind and all I want to do is clear my head and move on to something else. That's hard to do with all of my inanimate memories surrounding me.

Very few dogs in the kennel+bathing suit+Rays+Chelsey Petty+Becca Boo+Nickie Ellis+Seafood Sensation+pool+SUN+Broken Social Scene= a very lovely Sunday.

You're kind of wonderful.

Sun, where have you gone? I miss you. Please come back soon.

I'm thinking about taking kick boxing classes. I've always wanted to try it out. I looks like fun, plus I get to hit things as hard as I can. I think it would help me out in so many ways.

I've been trying to figure things out lately. I have all of this free time now and I spend most of it in my head while I do the daily busy work around my house. For now, I'm here and I will be for at least another year. I want to finish up with school as quickly as possible and save up as much money as I can. I haven't decided yet where I'm going after that. I'm mapping it out slowly. I want to do as much as I can, as well as I can. I feel like I have no purpose and I'm just living out my days out of necessity. I want to have a reason for the things that I do. My explainations for these things as of now: I have nothing better to do, I don't know what else to do, I have to do it. I have all of these plans and I want to make them happen instead of wishing they could happen. I'm tired of living in my head.

So that's my big project. Getting it done and getting out of here. I'm really excited about this. About life. My life. It's nice to have some clarity and somewhat of a plan.

Oh, I saw Angels and Demons with my mom yesterday. It was so much better than the da Vinci Code. I actually really hate that movie. Ron Howard, you've redeemed yourself with this one. If you're not into decaying pope corpses, Italian accents, lots of running, Tom Hanks and his insane knowledge of...well everything, and over two hours worth of art history, don't see it.

I'm high and I'm happy and I'm free
I got my whole heart laid out right in front of me
And I finally can see the way it's always been
The need for peace starts from within

So I leave my possessions to the wind
And I'm done with ever wanting anything
Well I can die satisfied
No desires do I hide
Not today, not today
Nor for the next one thousand lives

I want to be a little seahorse
I want to be a little seahorse
A little seahorse

I want to be a little seahorse
I want to be a little seahorse
I want to be a little seahorse...

Well I'm scared of ever being born again
If it's in this form again
Well I wanna know how why where and when and then
I wanna see you be the bright night sky
I wanna see you come back as the light
I wanna see you be the bright night sky
I wanna see you come back as the light

I've been sleepy all day today and have had to fight off the temptation of my bed. Now that I can finally get what I want, I can't sleep. It could be because I drank some green tea earlier. I don't drink beverages with caffiene often so maybe it takes longer for it to get through my system. Anyway, it's just annoying and all I want to do is drift off into a deep sleep and maybe even dream a litttle. I have to wake up at six and it breaks my heart. Im trying not to think about it.

Unrelated thoughts:
I'm typing this on my phone because I was too lazy to open my computer. The keypad is cool despite the fact that it's really sensitive and keeps freaking out.
I have one more chapter in my book. Thank god it's almost over. I've enjoyed it but at this point I'm just ready to move on to something less exhausting.
There is a possibility that I may be anemic. Awesome, I know.
Breast feeding is gross at any age. Don't do it kids.
Speaking of boobs, I know someone who steals implants.
I can't wait to eat my vegetarian lasagna tomorrow when I get home from work.
I'm going to apply for a job at Bubba Gump. Get excited.

This is hurting my wrists from the way I'm holding my phone so I guess that's all for now. Let's hope I can get that sleep now.

It's hard to believe we've been together for twenty years. I have no idea what the next twenty will bring, but I just hope that we'll still be as close as we are now. I really don't know what I'd do without you.
I love you.

You're all breaking my heart. I wish there was more I could do.












Just remember to breathe

[pita]

I feel stuck. I have this overwhelming feeling that I'm not going anywhere and nothing is happening. It terrifies me.
I'd like to start new somewhere else. I'm over this city and the majority of the people in it. I'm over the traffic, the heat, my pathetic job, my sad little community college, the bubble that I live in...
If I could, I'd sell all of my things and drive my dying car to a new town, maybe in Virginia. I don't know why I want to move there. It just seems like it would be a good place to start off on a new journey.
So what is it that's stopping me?
I don't know.

I guess all I really want is space. Space to breathe and think and just live the simplest life I can. Things here are too complicated for my taste.